Spell it out however you please

5/17/09

I have never realized how amazing you truly are. I think I take advantage of that sometimes. You strive to be the best, not for others, but for yourself and I respect that trait in you. Your dedication to music is inspiring. I don't involve myself in that aspect of your life because I know it is important to you and there are some things that we must keep to ourselves. I'm not saying that I don't want to know, I am saying that it is important for you to love music as a seperate entity. You have so much respect for your art and though I may not understand, I do know that it is your passion.

I love you. As if I don't say it enough. But what you don't realize is that everytime I say it, it gets much more stronger than the last. I feel different with you, but it's in a good way. I am happy with you in my life.

5/15/09

It's hard to tell, but I think things are going well in my life. Despite all of the stress over finals and papers, I think I have some light shining my way.

I never give up when it comes to love. It's something so powerful and it definitely tests your strengths and weaknesses, but I have been patient through it all.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I only speak the honest truth. I am a drama queen, whatever. I need to accept that because I am not going tto change anytime soon. I think it is best for me to let you know what I want. You aren't going to get it either way and hints really don't work with you. I want this to work.

I told you before that I am selfish, so I want to be the only person you will ever love. So far, my desires have been in my favor because no one else has loved you like I do and you haven't loved any other girl like me. Well, that is because there is no other girl like mee. I am different than all the rest. And if it isn't me, then hopefully you will find someone better, because you aren't going to find someone as equally as loving as me.

I am a great girl. Don't lose out on this chance. My heart is on my sleeve, take it or leave it, I am offering it to you.

5/8/09

So i have been thinking all night, the reasons why I love you, and I think these are pretty solid:

1. You keep me company even though I am very annoying
2. You are extremely passionate.
3. I like arguing with you! It's fun!
4. You have an awesome "smile".
5. I trust you and I know that when I see you, it will be the best day of my life.
6. You are one of the few people I send my poetry to.
7. I love it when you sing to me.
8. You're not just some fat guy, stupid. It's just more for me to hug and I LOVE that.
9. You are so cute to me!
10. Did I mention that I like your "smile"?

That made his day!

5/6/09

When it's just me and my thoughts, I begin to wander into a world where my dreams are reality.

I want to write you another poem, to make you feel better.

The little things are the most important to me. I don't care where we go, as long as I am with you.

Sometimes though, I think you start you fall for me, but you hesitate. I don't want you to, I just wish you knew how I really feel. It's so frustrating when you won't let me in, but I am patient. I'll wait, because I know it'll happen again. It has proven to be successful for this long.

I guess I am arrogant but you know there will never be another girl like me in your lifetime. Don't miss out on this opportunity to catch me when I see you. I am waiting to be captured, but I won't let you know that. I'm no that easy.


4/27/09

The only thing holding me afloat is you. Through essays, exams, portfolios, and volunteering, you sir, are the only one who can keep my attention. For that, I love you. You have been there for me and calmed me down in ways that I cannot explain. I appreciate your small effort to talk to me, I know I can be very annoying and overwhelming, so I love the fact that you take a little time out of your day to make me smile. I love you.

I love it when we have our deep conversations. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like, but when it's there and you're willing to talk about how you feel, my bond with you is twice as strong as it was before. I tell you as much as I can that we have a deep connection. It is truly strange how our relationship is, it is really hard to describe to an average person; they tend to have a very jaded and pessimistic view of love. You aren't my boyfriend, we aren't dating, we aren't a thing. Those labels seem temporary; they aren't long lasting. I don't want a boyfriend. I just want you. We work well together and we both need each other in more ways than I can describe.

Though, at times after the conversation is over with, I miss you. Most of the time, it really pains me because I know you aren't there beside me. One day you will be, and that is what keeps me going. But until then, I usually feel empty inside. It is hard to deal with, but the thrill of me visiting you soon makes me happier than ever.

I just needed to write all of this down. If you're reading this and you don't understand a word I am saying, then you have never been in love before like I have. It's bittersweet.

Just when I think I have got it all figured out, I read these notes in my journal that just shut me down completely. I am in a cycle that keeps repeating itself over and over again. I honestly do not know how to get out.


4/21/09
So is this a test?

1/20/09

I get bored with people easily. I put them up on such a high pedastal and undoubtedly, they fall. I do that ALL the time with you. I force myself to think you are so worthwhile and right on queue, I am just disappointed and well...bored. It's my own fault, I shouldn't expect so much from you. You just take what you can get, whether it be a nice conversation with a little validation that what you feel guilty about it okay or another reason to get me all wrapped up in this fantasy world where it's just me and you. Either way, you leave feeling satisfied and I just sit here feeling defeated yet again.

It's the same thing with you. You leave me for a year, a few months, some weeks without communication and I wait because I know you'll be back. I am getting bored with this routine. But it's my fault, really. I always let you in to lead you on and in the end, I am always the one being led on. I am beginning to realize that I am tired of myself. I lag behind you hoping that you'll turn around to give your pet a little attention. Sometimes I feel like this back and forth nonsense will never end....

4/21/09

A few months later and I am still wrapped in this whirlwind of repitition. Obviously, God brought you into my life for a reason and as of now, it seems like I will never really end this hold you have on me or the hold I have on you. I told you that I would always be there when you needed me and I always have been thus far because I need you too. I think, what I am most afraid of, is what will happen when we don't need each other anymore? I don't like the idea of it as silly as it sounds. I am so used to us being with each other and loving each other just as we always have for the past four years. I can't think about it because it makes me sad. I Don't really see my life without you in it and call it depressing, but you make me happier than I have ever been whenever we communicate.

Oh this is to be continued. I have many more journal entries where that came from. Don't worry! haha.

"I really appreciate you, even though I never say it."

4/18/09

I need to speak up about this. I need to get this off of my chest so that I can stop thinking about it. I know that I won't get this out of my mind completely, but it will help ease some of the stress away.

Mom said no, but I say yes. Something in the back of my mind wants to defy it all and just suck it up and do it. I know she is right, but I want to live and learn on my own. I completely understand her side, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to it and you know what, I am going to do it anyway because this is my decision. If it is a mistake I will learn from it, but most of all, I really want to know if all the pain was worth it.

You need me more than I need you. You desire this reassurance that I will love you when you feel like no one else does. And I do, I told you I would always be there no matter what. But I never asked if you will be there for me, because I trust you more than anyone else. So right now, I want you to prove it; I want you to show me that you will be there no matter what. Never have I asked that until now. This will determine whether or not I will go. I want to, don't get me wrong, I just need that reassurance.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I keep putting myself in these weird situations. I allow myself to become attached to the things I really want though the second party may not necessarily want the same thing. These butterflies make my stomach hurt and people claim that it's a good feeling, but that's only when you know that the other party has butterflies too. In my case, I'm stuck having this strange and upset tummy over something that isn't even going to happen. Something that I am already coping with before the pain has even occurred.

I have become more open than I have ever been this year. I definitely talk more to people and open myself up more. But that's a common language that is universal for anyone who first meet. Those hello how are you's and how was your day's. No, when it gets personal and you begin to really get those deep feelings out and allowing yourself to be comfortable is when I tighten up because I try really hard to not get so involved in a relationship. But in the end, it ALWAYS happens. I get caught up in this weird parallel universe and start believing that what I want could possible be real...sometime in the future. Obsession is what it's called, maybe.

I don't really know. I've always been a simple girl with one simple desire and that is to love someone who actually loves me the same or just as much. Someone who can hug me and care about me more than I ever could. I meet people who fit that category, I've met so many people and I want them because I know they'll give me that but I'm not what they want. I just get so sick of being this nice and sweet girl who is just a "friend". I just want to be with someone who sees me as his nice and sweet girlfriend.

And I know that maybe what I want may not necessarily be what I need but to me, I know that I deserved to be loved just as much as I love someone else. I hate walking around feeling lonely all the time and acting like it's okay. I mean no, I am not desperate enough to just make anyone be my boyfriend; I have been patient and I'd rather wait for five more years for someone that's right, but I know right now that I am getting that feeling that what is in front of me is something I should fight for even though I will most likely lose.

It's all so difficult and it makes me sad. I just want what I can't have...as ALWAYS.
From the mind of parallel_lovers at 12:29 AM
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Monday, August 10, 2009
One thing I have learned the most this year is letting things go. That includes books, cds, crushes, and most importantly, objects of my affection. I am done with the bullshit and that includes you and your ugly ass girlfriend. I thought I would get over it and not be jealous or hateful towards you or her, but things change and I realized that I was constantly losing myself over the pettiest things. It's not even the fact that you have a girlfriend (well some reasons), it's because:

1. You fucking forgot my birthday and didn't even bother to call, text, or email me.

2. You told me you would let me know that you had a girlfriend and you didn't.

3. You completely ignored me this entire summer.

4. She lives in Illinois and as I recall remembering you saying you didn't want a long distance relationship, so that doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever.

So instead of crying and being upset about it, I have decided to do what I should've done a long time ago and not talk to you anymore. I have officially deleted you off of my myspace, facebook, email, and blocked you on my AIM. The only source of communication is through phone calls and if you decide to talk to me, I refuse to answer. You aren't even worth it anymore. So i'm done with this subject, on to the next....

Today was very productive and I feel really good about myself. I feel so free and I have never been happier in my life! I'm gonna watch Naruto later with Arias and Cory (yee!) who are both super duper cool. Then, I'll probably read the Perks of Being a Wallflower later which I am equally as excited for! It's gonna be a great night!

Summer romance. Perfect and genuine feelings for one another. Great connection. Can't be away from each other. She is older and you are attracted to her maturity. Tell her you love her. Regardless of the distance. We'll make it work. Holding hands and etching names into hearts to signify your long lasting affection. Make beautiful music. August comes. Inevitable goodbyes, no, see you laters. School starts. You tell me all about her. I listen but don't really care. I'm over it and you. Find out she's a really nice girl though. Once I figure this out, you figure it out. It was just a summer romance. You tell the girl it isn't working out. Just when I start to like her. Damn. Here it goes again. You cry and complain. She feels the same way. Amicable split and a slice of yourself is still with her. Your heart is broken. But you quickly get over it. I'm used me as a rebound. Lets face it. I'm only here to make you feel as if you matter to someone. Always ends up being me. Love me? I love you too. I'll always love you. You know that you can always come to me and we'll be back where we left off. I accept it as fate and the cycle starts over again....except this time, it won't. I refuse to let this happen to me again. I'm done with it.

Saturday, September 12, 2009
I am doing that thing again where I'm being an annoying little baby. My desire for his attention is getting the best of me. I need to leave it alone before I ruin the friendship that I have. I'm so clingy. It's because I like to keep the people I love close to me. I don't want them to leave. I need to be more aware of my attachment to people because I get annoying. I'll apologize when he comes.

I'm so lame with these stupid crushes I have. That's why I hate liking people. I get so annoying and I think about them all the time to the point where it consumes me. I just wish I knew if he liked me too. But I think, most likely, he's just being nice.

FML.
From the mind of parallel_lovers at 11:00 PM

I have thought about it and I want to know, is the company of a relationship what I really want? This whole falling in love thing, is it what I truly desire? I've wanted it ever since I was a child, to be in love with a guy who means the most to me, I have waited so long that I'm starting to lose the hope I've always had. I mean, for me, I never go looking for anyone, I am far too lazy and I don't find it necessary. I believe that everything falls into place at some point, but how patient can I be? When will I crack and start spewing out my feelings to people to get what I want?

That won't be me, I know that, but I am beginning to feel as if my standards are getting in the way. I don't show my complete self to people because I don't deem them worthy, but for once, I'd like to let myself go a little. I am so unsure right now. What if I passed up the guy for me because I was so caught up in my selfish ways? What if I am staring that person in the eyes and I am too clueless? I mean, I've fallen for the good guys who treat me like shit. I don't want the good guys, I realize that they are just as greedy and opportunistic as the average joe. But at the same time, I definitely don't want to fall for the bad guy because they could probably take advantage of my sweet and caring demeanor. I don't know, I'm putting people into categories and I need to stop. Labeling isn't gonna get me anywhere.

But then there's the guy who makes me feel like something important but is giving me mixed signals. The one I can't completly delve into because I fear that I might fall too hard for him and get disappointed in the end. These games we play, I wish they'd stop and we start being honest instead. Because I am not gonna release myself if the feelings aren't mutual. I don't want to be afraid to love someone. Because I am not afraid to love.

I'm a nice girl with an unreachable dream at this point. And at the end of this post, I am still wanting it.

Stare at me straight in the face and make me love you like never before, I dare you.
From the mind of parallel_lovers at 1:11 AM
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Saturday, September 5, 2009
That mother sucker. He knows I like him. It's been bothering me all day. What an irritating feeling. He's doing this thing where he is teasing me and I don't know how to respond to it! For once, I may have met my match. I don't think I can take advantage of the situation because, perhaps a royal flush, while I am stuck with a lousy hand of cards that refuses me to deal. I can't even manipulate the situation but I want to. I have to so that he can see what a challenge I really am.

I mean, he is stubborn and committed to his beliefs like I am. And we have this need to be attended to. While I am planning out my next move, he is already two steps ahead. I hate that. I guess I have to be more sneaky....

But when we're alone and it's just me and him talking, it feels so good. When I hold his hand, his warmth makes me excited and he totally knows. He can read me. And when he looked at me after she made that comment about me liking him, he gave me one of those looks. That "I know you want me" look. Cocky mother fucker. The worst part is is that I loved it. I am pretty sure he knows that too.

What is a girl to do???

This short story will continue.... it's just the beginning.
From the mind of parallel_lovers at 9:12 PM
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Love is bullshit.

It really is. All this nonsense about finding the perfect person and being with your one true love is such a waste of time. Fuck love. It fucked me over so why should I care? I always get caught up in these situations that get me completely screwed over. Why? Because I'm so optimistic about love. He'll never hurt me. It's all so fucking confusing. I'm tired of being wrapped around someone's finger only for them to dangle me up and down whenever they please. I'd rather someone poke me in the eye.

I watched 500 days of summer yesterday and I realized that love stories are just a fluffed up version of reality. I mean, it's all this cutesy stuff I thought I assumed would happen to me but I've now realized that it isn't. I say screw love. It always comes back to bite me anyway, might as well beat it to the punch.

I also hate that labeling shit. Boyfriend/Girlfriend; I'm in a relationship with... on facebook. It's so dumb. No one really cares, it's just another way for you to brag and boast about how happy you are for having a partner in your life. I hate people who always feel the need to write and profess their love for someone over the internet. All you want is attention and to feel like you're special, like the only reason you matter or exist is to declare your relationship status on the internet! Ugh. I could choke a bear!

I don't need people like you in my life. You make me want to throw up. Get over yourself.

I can't just be your friend.

So instead of wanting to visit you if you're with another girl, I would rather not spend my time in a place unknown being uncomfortable. I know me and my reasoning for wanting to see you and if you have a girlfriend then it just isn't going to fly. To be honest, and I know it hurts, I would just rather not talk to you anymore because this weight on my chest keeps pulling me down. You have this hold on me and it's time to let it go. I need something or someone new in my life I guess, I'm tired of you. I don't really want this anymore.

I don't want it at all and I don't think I deserve to have my heart tossed around everytime I keep in contact with you. It's officially (I am serious Bree) time to move on from this. It has lasted four years too long and I hate the repitition.

I always said I would love you, but things change and it's better for me. I need to stop focusing on pleasing you and learn how to please myself. I will always be happy for you, but I just can't be your friend. I just can't.

I usually post these things in my livejournal, but I thought it was important for everyone to read it:

I am extremely proud to have voted for the first African American President of the United States. This was my first time voting and I have participated in something historic. However, that was not my sole reason for voting for him, if that was the reason you did, good for you. I voted for Barack Obama because I believe in the promotion of "Change," I believe in progression, and I believe in hope. For the first time in a long while, I feel optimistic about America's future. With that belief, I honestly think that this is what America needs; not just me as an American, but I am speaking on behalf of the country I grew up in. I will not push it in people's faces that McCain lost; he fought with grace and I respect him for that. For once, I think that people of all races, ethnic backgrounds, classes, and religions can come together and fight for what we believe is important.

I looked at the facts and figures, I did my research everyday in the computer lab to find out what I thought was important because I honestly didn't know and by now, I think I figured it out. I was in this fight for equality (which brings me to Prop 8 but I will wait for that), education, and the economy. They all co-exist with one another and we cannot repair one without fixing the other. I will fight hard and long for the things that I believe in, for my rights, because that it what I was born to do. In my opinion, the future is in young America's hands and I refuse to live in a society where no one feels like they have a voice.

This now brings me to Prop 8 (yes, I know I am two days late but screw you!), it was passed and for those who voted Yes, I respect you for your views. However, I think that we all need to get our facts straight on a couple of things. This biased view is the least of our problems. I am not a homosexual but I do believe in one thing and that is human rights. I have heard people talk about slavery, women's rights, etc. and I agree. We did fight to get our place in society. Being a black female, I especially have to fight just as hard for my spot, though I know I have my rights. But one thing people left out was the time it took for us to get noticed! Slavery for years, decades, centuries, generations as did women's rights. I do not want to go on a tangent here because I am speaking about gay marriage and I will say this: Our fight will last a little longer but it we will come out victorious! Living in San Francisco has never changed my beliefs in what I think is right. That is enough about that.

Barack Obama, I am on your side. Yes we can bring about "Change" and yes we will "Change" the world.

I think i'm going to write a poem about my roommate. Not in a stalkerish way but I think she would be pretty interesting to write about. But i'm gonna ask her first. She might think it's creepy though. Haha, ah well. The assignment is supposed to be a poem about someone you think is amazing or whatever. Like nice things about someone so i'll write about her. Hope it doesn't seem too gay. It's a new project so i'm excited. Maybe it will get my creative juices flowing.

Other than that I am broke but doing well. Money isn't really a big deal for me, I just wish I had enough to get the things I wanted but I don't need it and i'm slowly realizing that my spending habits are bad. I have to re-organize my lifestyle, where consumer products are my outlet for depression. I should like write a book or something instead.

This post is going nowhere, i'm done.

I am truly happy right now. I feel like i'm learning many things about relationships and life. College is bringing so many ideas, opinions, and cultures into my life that I have never experienced before. But I am going to continue this later....

I mean I have my issues with school but i'm not stressed, instead i'm handling business like I should be. It's so easy to complain and bitch but it won't get you anywhere. I'm having fun, living life to its fullest right now and I just feel more responsible than ever. I love that I have easily adapted to this new lifestyle because that was what I was worried about. Life is good and I just cannot complain.

My roommates are just amazing, I love them. And I love all of the friends i've made too. I don't necessarily feel insecure but I feel like i'm the quiet one who follows in the group and I shouldn't be because it isn't their fault but i'm becoming a bit more introverted than I thought. It's just all the people I am hanging out with have such big personalities that it is hard for me to shine but i'm okay with that because I hate attention really. But they're extremely nice individuals, it's just me being me.

I feel like i'm supposed to be attracted to all these guys I thought were once cute but i'm not. I just don't feel the guys I used to. And it's like all the guys I used to majorly crush on are all here and I just don't notice them anymore. I feel as if i'm waiting for someone to come and take my breath away but I haven't yet. When I do i'll definitely say something because i'm not as nervous or shy as I used to be around guys.It isn't worth dying over honestly.

School hasn't even started yet and I have issues but i'm not stressed. I can't afford my books but i'm okay with that I guess. Shit happens and I knew it was too good to be true but what the hell can I do but sit and wait for something to get better. My trust is in God and i'll let him handle it. I'm sure i'll be able to afford m books. Which also reminds me I need to look for a job. lol. But i'm gonna read and rest for a bit. I'll search for my classes tomorrow morning. I'll keep you updated!

I am ready to go now, to venture into the new world. I want this now, i'm mentally prepared to become an adult. It's coming up and I am getting excited. I'm content with leaving the past behind because I have learned from it. Before, I was consumed by the past; I worried about things that could happen again, things that could result in me losing my way but I am tired of being stressed over it. I am done with that old me. I have also realized that God comes first and I must put my trust into him and he will help me lead the way. I was unsure but my faith in Him has created this attraction, this bond that is just between He and I. I can't worry about others, He will take care of it as well and I can't attempt to fix things on my own. Everyone needs help, whether they want to believe it or not, I can't barge in and save the day.

I think that is what stressed me out, trying to make others lives easier while my own began to wither away. I was really depressed and in this state where I felt nothing, but now I am prepared to start over and begin fresh. Past relationships I must end as I let others flourish and some I must let flow and form into whatever it becomes.

I am in love but I am not sure of how to handle the situation, I don't even know if it's love but I think it's teaching me a lot about relationships and my discipline of staying on the right path through chastity. It's a moral decision that I have made to myself and is in no way religious. I realize that I am human through this process and that it can be difficult but I must remain focused and honest with myself. If I don't follow my goal, it is okay, it is not something I will blame myself or anyone else for. What happens happens but I hope that I can resist temptation throughout college. lol.

I told myself I would stop complaining and suck it up. Life has ups and downs and I must prepare myself for the downs. I also need to stop being annoying and rude. I don't like it when others treat me that way so I shouldn't either. I love everyone and should act accordingly. I am at peace for now.

It gets me in trouble so much. I really hate that about myself. Many people have things they really dislike about themselves and that is mine. I am too honest, that affects me and the people around me. I have to stop because I tend to hurt feelings. I just, I say things that shouldn't be said and I think it's a problem. Most people hate the way they look, the way they dress, I hate the way I talk to people. It irritates me so much. I'm not good at conversing, I just wish I were mute so I wouldn't offend people as often. I don't mean too, I don't know what i'm saying until someone says so.

I am slowly improving on being a better person, but changing takes time and effort. At least i'm willing to admit my flaws and trying the best I can to fix them. Most people don't recognize their wrongs or are much too proud to even attempt to notice. Being the best person I can be is helping others more than hurting them, being supportive, being unbiased. I respect your opinions, I understand your different than I am. There's a reason we aren't all the same, so I shouldn't try to force people to believe my views. I argue less, I give advice, and I am confident enough with myself to express my feelings as well as keep them to myself. Or maybe not, maybe i'm not improving, maybe i'm getting worse. I don't know until someone tells me so.

I hate offending others. I really do but I don't know what that fine line between what to say and what not to. I guess I take my freedom of speech too far, I'm not sure. Am I too immature? Am I annoying? Bothersome? Let me know so I can teach myself to stop. I hate fighting with people, I love people too much. I rarely hate people, it might hurt my feelings, but i'd rather be hurt by honesty than be comforted by lies. Honesty is a good thing, I guess I take it too far. I'm not a stubborn person, i'm always listening, always observing. Mention something to me, I don't judge on assumptions, I judge on something I know about but, please tell me if you want my opinion or to keep it to myself.

School sucked today. As if that wasn't obvious enough.

That's all you need to know.