Spell it out however you please

I can't just be your friend.

So instead of wanting to visit you if you're with another girl, I would rather not spend my time in a place unknown being uncomfortable. I know me and my reasoning for wanting to see you and if you have a girlfriend then it just isn't going to fly. To be honest, and I know it hurts, I would just rather not talk to you anymore because this weight on my chest keeps pulling me down. You have this hold on me and it's time to let it go. I need something or someone new in my life I guess, I'm tired of you. I don't really want this anymore.

I don't want it at all and I don't think I deserve to have my heart tossed around everytime I keep in contact with you. It's officially (I am serious Bree) time to move on from this. It has lasted four years too long and I hate the repitition.

I always said I would love you, but things change and it's better for me. I need to stop focusing on pleasing you and learn how to please myself. I will always be happy for you, but I just can't be your friend. I just can't.

I usually post these things in my livejournal, but I thought it was important for everyone to read it:

I am extremely proud to have voted for the first African American President of the United States. This was my first time voting and I have participated in something historic. However, that was not my sole reason for voting for him, if that was the reason you did, good for you. I voted for Barack Obama because I believe in the promotion of "Change," I believe in progression, and I believe in hope. For the first time in a long while, I feel optimistic about America's future. With that belief, I honestly think that this is what America needs; not just me as an American, but I am speaking on behalf of the country I grew up in. I will not push it in people's faces that McCain lost; he fought with grace and I respect him for that. For once, I think that people of all races, ethnic backgrounds, classes, and religions can come together and fight for what we believe is important.

I looked at the facts and figures, I did my research everyday in the computer lab to find out what I thought was important because I honestly didn't know and by now, I think I figured it out. I was in this fight for equality (which brings me to Prop 8 but I will wait for that), education, and the economy. They all co-exist with one another and we cannot repair one without fixing the other. I will fight hard and long for the things that I believe in, for my rights, because that it what I was born to do. In my opinion, the future is in young America's hands and I refuse to live in a society where no one feels like they have a voice.

This now brings me to Prop 8 (yes, I know I am two days late but screw you!), it was passed and for those who voted Yes, I respect you for your views. However, I think that we all need to get our facts straight on a couple of things. This biased view is the least of our problems. I am not a homosexual but I do believe in one thing and that is human rights. I have heard people talk about slavery, women's rights, etc. and I agree. We did fight to get our place in society. Being a black female, I especially have to fight just as hard for my spot, though I know I have my rights. But one thing people left out was the time it took for us to get noticed! Slavery for years, decades, centuries, generations as did women's rights. I do not want to go on a tangent here because I am speaking about gay marriage and I will say this: Our fight will last a little longer but it we will come out victorious! Living in San Francisco has never changed my beliefs in what I think is right. That is enough about that.

Barack Obama, I am on your side. Yes we can bring about "Change" and yes we will "Change" the world.

I think i'm going to write a poem about my roommate. Not in a stalkerish way but I think she would be pretty interesting to write about. But i'm gonna ask her first. She might think it's creepy though. Haha, ah well. The assignment is supposed to be a poem about someone you think is amazing or whatever. Like nice things about someone so i'll write about her. Hope it doesn't seem too gay. It's a new project so i'm excited. Maybe it will get my creative juices flowing.

Other than that I am broke but doing well. Money isn't really a big deal for me, I just wish I had enough to get the things I wanted but I don't need it and i'm slowly realizing that my spending habits are bad. I have to re-organize my lifestyle, where consumer products are my outlet for depression. I should like write a book or something instead.

This post is going nowhere, i'm done.

I am truly happy right now. I feel like i'm learning many things about relationships and life. College is bringing so many ideas, opinions, and cultures into my life that I have never experienced before. But I am going to continue this later....

I mean I have my issues with school but i'm not stressed, instead i'm handling business like I should be. It's so easy to complain and bitch but it won't get you anywhere. I'm having fun, living life to its fullest right now and I just feel more responsible than ever. I love that I have easily adapted to this new lifestyle because that was what I was worried about. Life is good and I just cannot complain.

My roommates are just amazing, I love them. And I love all of the friends i've made too. I don't necessarily feel insecure but I feel like i'm the quiet one who follows in the group and I shouldn't be because it isn't their fault but i'm becoming a bit more introverted than I thought. It's just all the people I am hanging out with have such big personalities that it is hard for me to shine but i'm okay with that because I hate attention really. But they're extremely nice individuals, it's just me being me.

I feel like i'm supposed to be attracted to all these guys I thought were once cute but i'm not. I just don't feel the guys I used to. And it's like all the guys I used to majorly crush on are all here and I just don't notice them anymore. I feel as if i'm waiting for someone to come and take my breath away but I haven't yet. When I do i'll definitely say something because i'm not as nervous or shy as I used to be around guys.It isn't worth dying over honestly.

School hasn't even started yet and I have issues but i'm not stressed. I can't afford my books but i'm okay with that I guess. Shit happens and I knew it was too good to be true but what the hell can I do but sit and wait for something to get better. My trust is in God and i'll let him handle it. I'm sure i'll be able to afford m books. Which also reminds me I need to look for a job. lol. But i'm gonna read and rest for a bit. I'll search for my classes tomorrow morning. I'll keep you updated!

I am ready to go now, to venture into the new world. I want this now, i'm mentally prepared to become an adult. It's coming up and I am getting excited. I'm content with leaving the past behind because I have learned from it. Before, I was consumed by the past; I worried about things that could happen again, things that could result in me losing my way but I am tired of being stressed over it. I am done with that old me. I have also realized that God comes first and I must put my trust into him and he will help me lead the way. I was unsure but my faith in Him has created this attraction, this bond that is just between He and I. I can't worry about others, He will take care of it as well and I can't attempt to fix things on my own. Everyone needs help, whether they want to believe it or not, I can't barge in and save the day.

I think that is what stressed me out, trying to make others lives easier while my own began to wither away. I was really depressed and in this state where I felt nothing, but now I am prepared to start over and begin fresh. Past relationships I must end as I let others flourish and some I must let flow and form into whatever it becomes.

I am in love but I am not sure of how to handle the situation, I don't even know if it's love but I think it's teaching me a lot about relationships and my discipline of staying on the right path through chastity. It's a moral decision that I have made to myself and is in no way religious. I realize that I am human through this process and that it can be difficult but I must remain focused and honest with myself. If I don't follow my goal, it is okay, it is not something I will blame myself or anyone else for. What happens happens but I hope that I can resist temptation throughout college. lol.

I told myself I would stop complaining and suck it up. Life has ups and downs and I must prepare myself for the downs. I also need to stop being annoying and rude. I don't like it when others treat me that way so I shouldn't either. I love everyone and should act accordingly. I am at peace for now.

It gets me in trouble so much. I really hate that about myself. Many people have things they really dislike about themselves and that is mine. I am too honest, that affects me and the people around me. I have to stop because I tend to hurt feelings. I just, I say things that shouldn't be said and I think it's a problem. Most people hate the way they look, the way they dress, I hate the way I talk to people. It irritates me so much. I'm not good at conversing, I just wish I were mute so I wouldn't offend people as often. I don't mean too, I don't know what i'm saying until someone says so.

I am slowly improving on being a better person, but changing takes time and effort. At least i'm willing to admit my flaws and trying the best I can to fix them. Most people don't recognize their wrongs or are much too proud to even attempt to notice. Being the best person I can be is helping others more than hurting them, being supportive, being unbiased. I respect your opinions, I understand your different than I am. There's a reason we aren't all the same, so I shouldn't try to force people to believe my views. I argue less, I give advice, and I am confident enough with myself to express my feelings as well as keep them to myself. Or maybe not, maybe i'm not improving, maybe i'm getting worse. I don't know until someone tells me so.

I hate offending others. I really do but I don't know what that fine line between what to say and what not to. I guess I take my freedom of speech too far, I'm not sure. Am I too immature? Am I annoying? Bothersome? Let me know so I can teach myself to stop. I hate fighting with people, I love people too much. I rarely hate people, it might hurt my feelings, but i'd rather be hurt by honesty than be comforted by lies. Honesty is a good thing, I guess I take it too far. I'm not a stubborn person, i'm always listening, always observing. Mention something to me, I don't judge on assumptions, I judge on something I know about but, please tell me if you want my opinion or to keep it to myself.

School sucked today. As if that wasn't obvious enough.

That's all you need to know.